90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings – Week 7: Champions League Special

Following a week in which: 

– Bayern Munich absolutely THUMPED Tottenham Hotspur 7-2.

– Leicester City absolutely THUMPED Newcastle United 5-0. 

– Every football journalist known to man absolutely THUMPED Manchester United with a bombardment of ‘Manchester United haven’t had a shot on target since Father Ted kicked Bishop Brennan up the arse’ stats. 

We at 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings headquarters, while listening to Danny Brown’s ‘uknowhatimsayin¿’, use quotes from Sharon Horgan & Rob Delaney’s ‘Catastrophe’ to rank the 15 best teams in Europe.


15) RB Leipzig (Down 11) 

FBL-EUR-C1-LEIPZIG-LYON

“No. I mean, I do think about dying but in a kind of abstract way. You know, like, sometimes I imagine a meteor hitting the house and killing me and the kids.”

This past week not just one, but two, meteors hit RB Leipzig, killing all optimism around their potential BuLi title challenge. 

The first came on Saturday, when Schalke 04 thumped them 3-1.

And the second came on Wednesday, when a fairly average Olympique Lyonnais side beat them 2-0 in the Champions League. 

Two meteors = a meteoric drop from fourth to 15th in the DEPPR. 


14) Atletico Madrid (Re-Entry) 

Lokomotiv Moskva v Atletico Madrid: Group D - UEFA Champions League

“I was angry at how much I missed you.”

After a few weeks outside of 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings, Atletico Madrid are back; largely because of Joao Felix. 

The seven-year-old (he looks about seven) was the star of the show on Tuesday night as Atleti steamed past Lokomotiv Moscow like a freight train (I’m here all week) in the UEFA Champions League.


13) Club Brugge (New Entry) 

SOCCER CL GROUP STAGE A REAL MADRID VS CLUB BRUGGE

“Does Tina from R&D know? Because she was unnecessarily vocal when I ate all those hot cross buns that she brought in that her daughter baked one time. I didn’t know they were home-made. Because they were terrible.”

“Why did you eat them all if they were terrible?”

“That’s not the point.”

Let’s face it, overall, Club Brugge are a pretty terrible football team. Before this week, you couldn’t have named a single player currently on their books…don’t lie, we know you couldn’t. We couldn’t.

But, we at 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings don’t care if you’re, overall, pretty terrible. What we care about is results; and on Wednesday, Brugge got one. 

A REALLY BIG ONE. 

Courtesy of a brace from Emmanuel Bonventure Dennis, the Belgian minnows earned the most unlikeliest of points at the Santiago Bernabeu in the Champions League.

A fairytale result for a fairytale town.


12) Borussia Dortmund (Down 1) 

Marco Reus

Did you know that you can actually message people from inside eBay?…I will always answer one of those.”

So things aren’t going well for Borussia Dortmund at the moment. 

– They’re eighth in the Bundesliga. 

– They’ve bottled two leads in two consecutive weeks to draw two consecutive games (consecutively) 2-2. (and breathe)

– Their CEO embarrassed himself (again) by calling out Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang in the same way an idiot ‘influencer’ would call someone out for the sake of ‘clout’. 

BUT, in spite of all this, BVB are still really fun to watch. They’re still box office – albeit for possibly the wrong reasons. And if they’re on tv, I will always watch them. 


11) Famalicão (Up 1) 

Diogo Goncalves

Let’s make our new anniversary the date we first met.”

The first day we met Famalicão was 27th September 2019. 

We had a lovely time together. We ate Arroz De Pato, drank a couple of Sagres, and watched Sebastian Coates score an absolutely fantastic own goal. 

It all went so well in fact, that we mutually decided that ‘we should do this again sometime’. 

Now, one week on, we are. 

Famalicão and 90min are back at it again, eating Arroz De Prato, drinking Sagres, and – this time – watching Anderson score a brace against Beleneses to ensure Vila Nova stay top of the league table. 


10) Chelsea (Re-Entry) 

Mason Mount

“Now you’re talkin’.” 

Mason Mount, the under and over statements: 

Understatement: Mason Mount is pretty good. 

Overstatement: Mason Mount is the second coming of Kaka. The patron saint of goalscoring midfielders who will win Chelsea the World Cup. 

The truth is somewhere in between. 


9) Ajax (Re-Entry) 

Hakim Ziyech

“I was really touched seeing you go apesh*t at someone for me.”

Not many players decided to stay at Ajax during the summer, but those who did, went absolutely apesh*t against Valencia this past week. 

Hakim Ziyech and Donny van de Beek were particularly impressive, proving that despite the constant links with moves elsewhere, Ajax’s star men still care and are still willing to give their all for the club. Really touching stuff. 


8) Inter (Down 3) 

FBL-EUR-C1-BARCELONA-INTER

“Fran’s seeing someone. I’m…95% sure.”

“Why are you so sure?”

“She told me…But I figured there’s a 5% chance she’s lying just to piss me off.”

We’re 95% sure Antonio Conte’s Inter are a great team. 

95% sure. 

However, due to how disastrously pathetic Inter have been for the majority of the past decade, there’s 5% of doubt still lingering. On Sunday night, in the Derby d’Italia, they have the opportunity to dispel this 5% of doubt and make everyone in Europe 100% certain they are the real deal. 


7) Leicester City (Up 3) 

Jamie Vardy

I think I’ve been assaulted.”

Big Brendy baps and the third best team in England assaulted Steve Bruce and the worst team in England on Sunday. Nice one Brendy. 


6) Barcelona (Re-Entry) 

Luis suarez

Just imagine a nice enough guy taking a sh*t and reading about Hitler and that’s my husband.”

The current ​Barcelona team is by no means – in any way, shape or form – one of the best assembled in the club’s history. If they were, they’d be top of 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings each and every week. 

Despite this, as the win over Inter proved, they’re still nice enough; nice enough to make, at least, the semi finals of this season’s UEFA Champions League. 


5) Paris Saint-Germain (Up 3) 

Neymar Jr

“We’re not currently attending any public engagements together…Barometrically, we combine to create an atmosphere that is somewhat sh*tty.”

Yes, the results have been ok, but the atmosphere at Paris Saint-Germain is, well, somewhat sh*tty at the moment. That’s largely because of the mutual resentment between Neymar Jr and pretty much everyone else associated with the club.


4) Juventus (Up 3) 

Gonzalo Higuain,Maurizio Sarri

“I thought he was someone special.”

“I am special!”

After 12 months of being told he’s ‘fat’, ‘past it’, ‘the worst footballer to ever wear Chelsea’s number nine’, Gonzalo Higuain have proved all his h8rs wrong. 

For Gonzalo Higuain is a special goalscorer. 

A special asset to ​Juventus.

A special talent that can fire Juve to Champions League glory. 


3) Manchester City (-)

Pep Guardiola

“Take it or leave it. It’s like bald guys…Women and gay guys don’t give a sh*t if a guy is bald if he’s like, I’m a man, I’m fucking bald and that’s how it is”

His best midfielder is injured. His best defender is injured. He’s lost all his hair. 

But, you know what? Pep Guardiola doesn’t give a sh*t. He’s still winning football games week in, week out. 


2) Liverpool (-) 

Roberto Firmino - Soccer Player

Like how? Tell me how.”

How? 

How are ​Liverpool this good? 

On paper, is there team that much better than Tottenham’s? 

Yet, they’re a million times better than ​Tottenham; so how does that work? 

Please tweet me some answers to the aforementioned questions. 


1) Bayern Munich (-)

Robert Lewandowski,Serge Gnabry

“Well, I saw you switch the big bottle in the water cooler yesterday and it might as well have been a pillow.”

​Bayern Munich are the best team in Europe for one simple reason: they make everything look easy. 

Beat Tottenham Hotspur 7-2? Yeah, no problem. 

Score said seven goals with an xG of 2.1? No sweat pal. 

Make Philippe Coutinho one of the best players in Europe again? Done, done, and done. 

Easy work. 


For more from ​Jack Gallagher, follow him on ​Twitter! 

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