All about dem Power Rankings, boi,
If you ain’t reading dem and you flexin’ you’s a hater boi.
Ahead of a weekend in which we will:
– Pray for Chelsea ahead of their whooping at the hands of Liverpool.
– Pray that Tottenham Hotspur don’t play Davinson Sanchez at right back (again).
– Pray that AS Roma their snazzy af new kit.
We, while listening to JPEGMAFIA’s album of the year contender ‘All My Heroes Are Cornballs’ and with the help of one of the best tv shows of the decade – Atlanta, season one – we rank the best teams in Europe.
Praise the mother-f**kin’ lord!
15) AS Roma (New Entry)
“Just cause you dressed like a sixth grader don’t make you my manager, man.”
Paulo Fonseca may dress like a sixth grader who paid his £1 (for charity, of course) to wear his own clothes to school on the final day of term – cream chinos, white shoes combo – but that doesn’t distract from the fantastic job he’s currently doing at AS Roma.
As 90min’s resident Roma fan Max Cooper attests: “Roma were mint against Sassuolo, haven’t seen them perform that well in my whole time here.”
High praise indeed.
14) Red Bull Salzburg (New Entry)
“Hey, uh…I would say nice to meet you, but I don’t believe in time as a concept, so…I’ll just say we always met.”
Erling Braut Håland is the four-year-old (roughly) who scored a hat trick in the UEFA Champions League this week; leading Red Bull Salzburg to a 6-2 win over Genk.
Erling Braut Håland is the four-year-old (roughly) who has scored 11 goals in seven T-Mobile Bundesliga games this season.
Erling Braut Håland is the four-year-old (roughly) that is so good that I’ve gone out of my way to find out how to write the ‘å’ on my laptop.
The kid’s got chops.
13) Manchester United (Re-Entry)
“I just think we need a chance as humans to fail in order to discover what actually works, you know? People don’t think there’s a process to being happy.”
It’s pretty fair to say that a lot has failed at Manchester United since the greatest manager of all time, Sir Alex Ferguson, retired.
David Moyes failed.
Alexis Sanchez failed.
Ed Woodward failed.
BUT, there may be some light at the end of the failure tunnel. Manchester United may have discovered something that actually works: Mason Greenwood.
The future may be brighter than you think at Old Trafford.
12) Ajax (-)
“Earn trying like the rest of us. But when he wants to do something, he does it. On his terms.”
Ajax, despite selling absolutely every footballer to have ever even considered playing in Amsterdam, are still, well, Ajax.
They still play their football, and they still win games. Gotta put some respeck on that.
11) Atletico Madrid (Down 5)
“I go to the store, the movies, and just be thinking to myself, like, ‘Why am I not getting the respect I deserve?'”
Speaking of respeck, some should be given to the much derided Kieran Trippier after his performance in the Champions League on Wednesday night.
To the surprise of everyone who watched him at Tottenham last season, Tripper was really good against Juventus. Really, really, really good.
10) Manchester City (Down 7)
“I think if we spent the time we spend thinking about not spending money, spent that time on spending money, then it’d be time well spent.”
Manchester City: do you know what would’ve been a good idea?
Signing a centre back during the summer.
If you had’ve, maybe you wouldn’t have been embarrassed by Norwich City on Saturday evening.
9) Inter (Down 3)
“Yeah, yeah, I think I’m gonna go in the house. I ate them two blunts when the cops came. So tonight…tonight’s gonna be weird.”
The only explanation for Inter’s atrocious (that’s not hyperbole – they were atrocious) performance on Tuesday night is that the whole team ate two blunts each prior to kick off.
That’s the only explanation for things getting so weird at San Siro.
8) Juventus (Down 4)
“You want to manage a rapper but you can’t do business high?”
So Juventus, you want to win the UEFA Champions League this season but you can’t hold on to a two-goal lead against Atletico Madrid?
7) Barcelona (Re-Entry)
“You can really do whatever you want.”
Ansu Fati was born in 2002.
And what makes it even more depressing is the fact that he’s infinitely better at football than any of us could ever hope to be.
I’m off to cry for a bit.
6) Borussia Dortmund (Up 9)
“You supposed to be so smart, you can’t remember to flush?”
Ok, I’m back, and I’m here to write about Borussia Dortmund, who are up a whopping nine this week following a BIG win over Bayer Leverkusen and a 0-0 draw with Barcelona.
Impressive, yes, but it could’ve, would’ve, should’ve been a much better week had they been able to finish their dinner against Barca in the Champions League.
5) Liverpool (Down 4)
“I had a weird dream.”
So I had a really weird dream on Tuesday night. In it, Virgil van Dijk – THE GREATEST DEFENDER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND – made a mistake and cost Liverpool three points in the UEFA Champions League.
4) RB Leipzig (Up 1)
“What? This is a great environment for you!”
Timo Werner is exactly where he should be:
In the Champions League with RB Leipzig scoring a metric f**tonne of goals.
3) SSC Napoli (Up 7)
“Nothing was about to happen until something happened.”
…that Virgil van Dijk mistake wasn’t a dream? Napoli actually beat Liverpool 2-0?
Oh. My. God.
2) Paris Saint-Germain (Up 9)
“This is going on Worldstar!”
That’s what we at DEPR headquarters believe will be shouted over clips of Angel Di Maria’s Champions League masterclass.
The guy once said to be ‘too ugly’ for Real Madrid came back to haunt Los Blancos by, ironically, being ‘too’ good at football.
1) Bayern Munich (Up 1)
[While polishing his gun] “Man, I ain’t scared of nothing. I got Daddy right here.”
Nine goals in six games this season.
200 goals for Bayern Munich.
Four consecutive 40+ goals season (set to become five this season).
Yes, Robert Lewandowski is the best striker in the world, and if you think someone is better than YOU ARE WRONG.