Following a week in which:
– Liverpool won their 10000000000th game.
– Erling Haaland scored his 200000000th goal for Borussia Dortmund.
– Jose Mourinho ‘Mourinhoballed’ a Pep Guardiola team for the 3000000th time.
We mother flipping rank the 15 best mother flipping teams in Europe using quotes from the classic mother flipping Channel Four sitcom ‘The IT Crowd’.
15. RB Leipzig (Down 6)
14. Manchester City (Down 8)
“The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in!”
See the thing about Manchester City, they always try and walk it in!
They had exactly 66.9% of the ball against Tottenham, made exactly 692 passes and scored exactly zero goals. Useless.
13. Tottenham Hotspur (Re-Entry)
“Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss.”
Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help us, Jose Mourinho is ruining us club, exclamation mark. 782 High Road, Tottenham, London N17 0BX. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Spurs fans.
This was a message sent Tottenham fans following their disastrous Christmas period. They thought that Mourinho was killing their club; zapping the life out of it with stodgy, boring, negative football.
And then, outta nowhere (!), Jose Mourinho masterminded a 2-0 win over Manchester City.
Now all is gravy again. Nice one.
12. Marseille (Re-Entry)
So we think we’ve worked out how, after flopping at every club (bar Zenit St. Petersburg) he’s managed since he left Porto way back in 2011, Andre Villas-Boas has masterminded Marseille’s recent 15 game unbeaten run in all competitions.
He’s wearing women’s slacks.
It’s the only explanation for his newfound confidence and ability to survive in one of the most pressurised jobs in France.
11. Getafe (Re-Entry)
“What the flip are you looking at? Think this is funny? You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke? Mother flippers think everything is a mother flipping joke. Let me tell you, the jokey ain’t no jokey sucker!”
You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke? Mother flippers think everything is a mother flipping joke. Let me tell you, the jokey ain’t no jokey sucker.
Getafe are 11th in this week’s Definitive European Power Rankings because they mother flipping deserve to be.
They’re mother flipping third in La Liga and have won their last three on the bounce. They’re the real deal sucker.
10. Atalanta (Down 6)
“Unbelievable! Some idiot disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I’ve just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!”
Unbelievable! After thumping Torino 7-0, some idiot disabled Atalanta’s defence, meaning the Bergamo club allowed the third worst team in Serie A to score two goals against them.
9. Benfica (Up 1)
Benfica’s last 16 Primeira Liga games:
Goals Scored: 42.
Goals Conceded: 6.
Goal Difference: +36.
Benfica have broken the Primeira Liga.
8. SS Lazio (Down 3)
7. Borussia Dortmund (Up 5)
– He’s scored seven goals in just three Bundesliga games (one of which he started).
– Those seven goals from eight shots on goal.
– He’s averaging a goal every 19 minutes in the league.
Erling Haaland is an OptaJoe wet dream.
6. Real Madrid (Down 4)
“I never know what to say to people at funerals.”
“Me too. I’m terrible.”
“Just say you’re sorry and move on. [To Denholm’s wife] He’ll be in our prayers.”
“[To Denholm’s wife] I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.”
Real Madrid, we’re sorry for your loss to Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey, but it’s time to move on and focus on winning your first La Liga title in three years. Considering you’re top of the league currently, and considering how absolutely dogsh*t Barcelona are, that’s a real possibility.
5. Inter (Up 3)
4. Juventus (Up 3)
“Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!”
In fourth, we have a great team. A great team! JUVVVVVVEEEEEEENNNNTTTUUUUSSS!
A great team that bounced back from defeat away at SSC Napoli with a rather comfortable win over Fiorentina.
3. Paris Saint-Germain (-)
Paris Saint-Germain have now won 18 of their last 20 games in all competitions.
That’s pretty good.
Nearly Liverpool good.
2. Bayern Munich (Up 9)
The best title race in Europe – BAR NONE.
1. Liverpool (-)