Another week, another steamin’ hot batch of excitement for us to rank.
You know how this works. We take 15 in-form players from across Europe and we rank them, but only with the help of a great TV show. This week, it’s a Curb Your Enthusiasm special!
Does that sounds good? Does that sound pretty, pretty, pretty good?
15. Steven Berghuis (New Entry)
“You know what? Never mind, alright? I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!”
Berghuis is the kind of guy who’d give you a liver if you asked for it. The Feyenoord man is just dishing out assists for fun these days, racking up four in his last four games.
He even added two goals last time out against PEC Zwolle, so life’s pretty good for him right now.
14. Thomas Müller (New Entry)
“I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.”
Some people run from challenges. Müller does not.
It’s not that long ago that his Bayern Munich career was supposed to be over, but now he’s got nine goals and a whopping 17 assists in all competitions this season.
Two assists in a 4-1 win over
Josip Iličić (Down 2)
Iličić only played his way into the power rankings a few weeks ago, but ever since then, he’s failed to boost his stats. He’s playing well for Atalanta, but come on man. We want goals.
12. Son Heung-min (Re-Entry)
“No, I’m the solution! I’m the solution to the problem!”
Son is the solution to every one of Tottenham’s problems. He bagged a late, late winner against Aston Villa, and even played through what could be a season-ending arm fracture. What a man.
Unfortunately, it might be the last time we see him in these rankings this year.
Cheers, Son’s crying. Nice one.
11. Timo Werner (Down 2)
Can we go back to 2019? Back to a happier time when Werner was actually scoring goals?
He has scored in one of his six games this year, and that was the first game back after the winter break! Send help.
Sörloth (Up 2)
“This project demands I get back to my base.”
I bet Crystal Palace bet they could bring
9. Romelu Lukaku (Down 3)
“You know what? There’s a jet stream of bulls**t coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!”
Being the self-proclaimed king hasn’t gone too well for Lukaku. After chatting a big game, he has fluffed his lines.
Defeats to both Napoli and Lazio have weakened Inter’s chances of domestic success this season. But hey, he’ll always have the Milan derby to remember.
8. Erling Haaland (Up 2)
“Can I tell you something about apricots? One in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.”
There’s a one in 30 chance that Haaland isn’t going to score.
After drawing a blank last week, the Borussia Dortmund man found his shooting boots once more against Frankfurt. Now just the eight goals from five appearances. Decent.
7. Carlos Vinícius (Down 3)
“Don’t put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!”
Vinícius doesn’t want pie, and he doesn’t want goals either apparently.
He drew a blank last time out against Braga, when Benfica fell to their second consecutive loss. Not ideal.
6. Robert Lewandowski (Up 2)
Bayern are back to winning ways as they sit pretty at the top of the Bundesliga.
5. Ciro Immobile (Up 5)
“When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”
Unlike the rest of his Serie A tile rivals, Ciro Immobile did not have to worry about the Coppa Italia semi-final. Instead, he was solely focused on beating Inter.
Of all his 29 goals this year, his penalty against Inter may be the most important so far. The title race is on.
4. Kylian Mbappé (Up 1)
“What’s the level of anger here? What am I dealing with?”
“Well, I’d have to say at least an 8.7.”
“8.7? That’s not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9.”
“It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points.
“Pity points. That’s fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7?”
No, that’s not a conversation between Mbappé and divisive manager Thomas Tuchel, but it might as well be.
Away from the drama, Mbappé managed a goal and two assists in a cup victory over Dijon, but he was rested for the dramatic 4-4 draw with Amiens.
3. Lionel Messi (-)
“You don’t work. You’re unemployed.”
“Loving you is my job, Larry.”
Messi might not be scoring, but that doesn’t mean he’s not hard at work.
His longest dry streak in the league in over six years has coincided with a run of six assists in his last three games, so it’s not all bad.
2. Cristiano Ronaldo (Down 1)
“Why didn’t you say ‘hello’ to him? You know him.”
1. Jadon Sancho (Up 1)
“You god damn right I’m livin’ large! I just had a croissant filled with motherf*****g champagne!”
Life’s pretty good for Sancho these days.
His assist streak might have come to an end, but he chimed in with another goal instead. You’ve got to be happy with that.
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