Goals. Assists. Records. Good prices on books. We’ve got it all here.
We don’t have bleeding polar bears on our labels, but you’re still in for a good time here.
15. Christopher Nkunku (New Entry)
“I’ll co-write this with…myself!”
Nkunku doesn’t need help. He is the help.
He grabbed four assists in RB Leipzig’s 5-0 win over Schalke. Four.
Enough said. Welcome to the rankings.
14. Serge Gnabry (New Entry)
It was Gnabry singing the songs of niceness this weekend, racking up a goal and two assists in Bayern Munich’s 3-2 win over Paderborn.
With his team all struggling, Gnabry put them on his back and steered them to victory. How nice.
13. Steven Berghuis (Up 2)
“When you’re feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.”
Berghuis proved he doesn’t feel pressure when he stepped up to fire home a penalty in Feyenoord’s 2-1 win over Fortuna Sittard.
That’s 18 goals and ten assists in all competitions this year. Cue the transfer rumours.
Josip Iličić (Up 1)
“So? What do you say, huh? The pay is not great, but the work is hard.”
Atalanta, who play in the Champions League, have the same wage bill as Championship side Reading. That’s wild.
Iličić bagged another goal in his side’s 4-1 win over Valencia this week, making him look even more like a bargain.
Carlos Vinícius (Down 4)
“I can feel pieces of my brain falling away like a wet cake.”
Hey, I didn’t want to drop Vinícius down the list, but Benfica didn’t even play this weekend. What can I do?
10. Romelu Lukaku (Down 1)
“Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!”
Corn Flakes, Serie A defenders and now Ludogorets are all terrified of Lukaku, who
9. Timo Werner (Up 2)
“Add a drop of lavender to your bath and soon, you will soak yourself calm.”
Werner’s mini goal drought is over. We can all relax.
He netted the winning goal against Tottenham Hotspur, before picking up a goal and an assist in Leipzig’s win over Schalke.
That’s what we like to see.
Alexander Sörloth (Up 2)
“I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”
Quitting the Premier League looks like the best decision
7. Ciro Immobile (Down 2)
“This is life. We suffer and slave and expire. That’s it.”
Another day, another goal for Immobile. You know how this goes by now.
27 goals in just 25 games. What more do you need to know?
6. Robert Lewandowski (-)
“Up with this I will not put!”
Having watched Bayern do everything possible not to beat Paderborn, Lewandowski clearly decided he couldn’t be bothered anymore and took matters into his own hands.
He added another two goals to his tally, including a late winner, to keep Bayern’s momentum going.
5. Erling Haaland (Up 3)
“There’s no such thing as friends, just enemies you haven’t met yet.”
On his trip around Europe, Haaland is just making more and more opponents hate him, and he’s absolutely loving it.
Two goals against Paris Saint-Germain were followed by another strike against Werder Bremen, and he now sits on 40 goals for the season. It’s February.
4. Kylian Mbappé (-)
“The older wine is, the gooder it is.”
Mbappé might still be young, but I’d say he’s probably gooder than most players around right now.
He managed an assist against Borussia Dortmund and another goal in PSG’s 4-3 win over Bordeaux, and unlike Neymar, didn’t get himself suspiciously sent off at the end of the game.
3. Jadon Sancho (Down 2)
“If it wasn’t the way it is, it wouldn’t be the way it is.”
Would Sancho be the Sancho we know if he had stayed at Manchester City?
The Dortmund man continued his electric form with another assist against Bremen, but that wasn’t enough to hold on to top spot here.
2. Lionel Messi (Up 1)
“This paint will make a tasty dish! Yes! Yes! My oven can cook anything, my oven can cook…bits of oven!”
Messi has been away from the goals for a few weeks, but he was clearly just cooking up something special.
You know those games where you feel like you might as well not turn up because Messi is in one of those moods? Yeah, that was the case against Eibar, when the Argentine smashed four goals in a 5-0 win.
1. Cristiano Ronaldo (Up 1)
“‘My, what a lovely carrot’ said the hippo. ‘Yes, but is it organic?’ said the rabbit in a squeaky voice.”
His man bun might make him look like a hipster, but Ronaldo is still doing what he always has done: score goals.
In what was his 1,000th senior appearance, Ronaldo tied the Serie A record for scoring a goal in 11 consecutive appearances*.
*Not consecutive games, as Ronaldo was dropped last week. I warned you the asterisk would come.
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